Actual quotes taken from employee performance appraisals

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As a manager, I’ve had to do my fair share of performance appraisals, which (as I’m sure the employees also found) was a pretty tedious and meaningless experience. Fortunately I left all of that behind me when I left Reuters in 1999, my last full-time employer before striking out as an independent consultant (now semi-retired). On reflection, I was fortunate to have some excellent people in the teams I managed, but I still remember the occasional miss-fit. I can’t take any credit for these appraisal comments, but I wish I’d had them to hand for one or two of the interviews I managed. Enjoy!

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
“I would not allow this employee to breed.”
“This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet.”
“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
“This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”
“A gross ignoramus —144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
“He’s been working with glue too much.”
“He would argue with a signpost.”
“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
“A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
“He’s got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it”
“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
“If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
“It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
“One neuron short of a synapse.”
“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
“Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”
“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

About Post Author

Stephen Dale

I’m a life-long learner with an insatiable curiosity about life. I love travel, good food, and good company. I’m happy to share what I know with others….even the interesting stuff! My outlook on life is pretty well captured in this quote from a book about the legend of King Arthur: “The best thing for being sad,” replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, “is to learn something. That’s the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.” ― T.H. White, The Once and Future King So much to learn, so little time!

steve.dale@gmail.com

http://stephendale.uk